topic: [[Relating]] created: 2023-08-25 *You cannot plant wildflowers in a field without preparing the soil.* This reminds me of [[Negotiate to Optimize not Compromise]], and that so much more of life is a negotiation than we think. If we consider these conversations a negotiation instead of a request, we look for the emergent new outcome instead of what we went in hoping to achieve. It's kind of like [[Listening to Understand]] instead of [[listening to win]], when people feel we are trying to change them, they push back with [[reactance]], however, when people feel we are trying to understand them, they generally lean in. A way of making the request for change is [[I saw I think I wonder]], then listen!And when we make our request, we need to be aware that we are listening for their response with our four ears ![[four ears for listening]] (St. Pierre et al., 2016) and we both are presenting with our unique communication style: ![[communication styles]] (Gramm, 2012) So, we are going to be prone to misunderstanding, unless we focus intently on listening to understand, and confirming what they took away. This matters because we have to create a [[sense of urgency]], get agreement on that with enough of our [[guiding coalition]] so we have enough momentum to enter into the change process. ##### What would the opposite argument be? If we just have those with role authority on our side, we can make people do things through compliance. Unfortunately [[hearts are volunteers]], we pay for the hands one way or another, but the hearts have to be won. tags: #note/idea ##### Sources: Gramm, S. E. (2012). _THE ENNEAGRAM AND SCHULZ VON THUN’S PSYCHOLOGY OF DIFFERENTIAL COMMUNICATION_. St. Pierre, M., Hofinger, G., & Simon, R. (2016). _Crisis Management in Acute Care Settings: Human Factors and Team Psychology in a High-Stakes Environment_ (3rd ed. 2016). Springer International Publishing : Imprint: Springer. [https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-41427-0](https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-41427-0)