--- topic: [[People Growing]] people: #people/chrisvoss #people/carolyncoughlin | #people/tomercohen | #people/laurarock created: 2023-02-16 --- *How I know I've completed the "understanding" step in being a relational listener (Minehart, 2022) is by hearing the words, "That's exactly right."* As I have been [[Debriefing]], watching others debrief, and in some other listening intense moments of my life, I've noticed that I've thought I understood someone else when they saw the situation differently. One of my goals is [[first seek to understand]] because if you don't understand each other, there's almost bound to be ineffective communication. Tomer Cohen states this so well as the Chief Product Officer at LinkedIn. His goal is understanding, _“We might be wrong, but we’re not fucking confused.”_ (Patel, 2022) Yet sometimes I find instead of listening, I try to change the other person's mind. This is [[The Improver]] (Cron, 2022) in me, always trying to make things better. This challenge leads me to wonder, how do I know when I've understood? Can I create a better target of knowing? I came across this idea while listening to the fantastic negotiation book [[Never Split The Difference]], (Voss, 2016) a book mainly trying to understand the world through someone else's eyes. Chris Voss focused on hearing the other person say "That's right" during a negotiation as a critical moment when he knew the person felt listened to. And when they felt listened to, they often negotiated with themselves to solve their problems. At the least, this step allowed them to stop being defensive, feel listened to, and [[Negotiate to Optimize not Compromise]]. This process is closely linked to action-oriented cognitive behavioral therapy, or the closely linked process of [[cognitive reframing]]. By allowing the other person to hear themselves say how they see the world in their own frames and trying to help them move those frames a little bit, the other person is both heard and hears themselves. This is what we do in the process of [[I saw I think I wonder]], or at the [Center for Medical Simulation](https://harvardmedsim.org) when using the Advocacy-Inquiry Molecule in a [[Debriefing#CMS 4-phases]] style debriefing. After the [[Inquiry]], the goal is listening. Identifying a clear problem from the other's point of view is a key step in providing useful feedback (Stone, 2014) The debriefer needs to listen to understand the debriefees' frames; the question is, how do you know when you've heard their frame? My goal now has shifted to trying to hear the magical words, [[That's exactly right]]! I was reminded again from the podcast on listening with #people/carolyncoughlin when she was recorded on the [Knowledge Project: Episode 157: # Become A Better Listener](https://fs.blog/knowledge-project-podcast/carolyn-coughlin/) So, my cognitive reframing is, instead of "thinking" I've really understood, my goal is to know that I've really understood when the other person says, "That's exactly right!" This has the additional benefit of giving me a target different from changing the other person's mind. If my target is hearing those words, it gives me something to feel I've achieved and lets me let go of my need to improve. ##### What would the opposite argument be? I know when I've understood the other person when they stop talking, nod, or turn and look away. Unfortunately, this thinking falls victim to the biggest problem in communication: _The Biggest Problem in Communication Is The Illusion That It Has Taken Place_ - Unclear sourcing [QuoteInvestigator.com](https://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/08/31/illusion/) tags: #note/statement | #on/listening | #on/understanding ##### Sources: - _Carolyn Coughlin: Become A Better Listener #157_. (n.d.). Farnam Street. Retrieved February 16, 2023, from [https://fs.blog/knowledge-project-podcast/carolyn-coughlin/](https://fs.blog/knowledge-project-podcast/carolyn-coughlin/) - Cron, I. M. (2021). _The story of you: An enneagram journey to becoming your true self_ (First edition). HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers. - Minehart, R., Symon, Benjamin, & Rock, Laura. (2022). What’s Your Listening Style? _Harvard Business Review_, _5_. [https://hbr.org/2022/05/whats-your-listening-style?ab=hero-main-text](https://hbr.org/2022/05/whats-your-listening-style?ab=hero-main-text) - Patel, N. (2022, December 20). _“We might be wrong, but we’re not confused”: How Tomer Cohen, chief product officer at LinkedIn, figures out what works best_. The Verge. [https://www.theverge.com/23517319/tomer-cohen-linkedin-chief-product-officer-business-management](https://www.theverge.com/23517319/tomer-cohen-linkedin-chief-product-officer-business-management) - Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). _Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well; (even when it is base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, yor’re not in the mood)_. Viking. - Voss, C. (2016). _Never split the difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it_ (First edition). HarperBusiness, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.