# Nonviolent Communication  ## Metadata - Author: [[Marshall B. Rosenberg & Deepak Chopra]] - Full Title: Nonviolent Communication - Category: #books ## Highlights - When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. - At the root of much, if not all, violence—whether verbal, psychological, or physical, whether among family members, tribes, or nations—is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability—that is, what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc. - It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear - about the kind of understanding or honesty we want back after we’ve expressed ourselves. When we are not clear about the response we’d like, we may initiate unproductive conversations that end up satisfying no one’s needs. - Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes. - Sometimes, however, even when we’re conscious of our intent and express our request with care, people may still hear a demand. This is particularly true when we occupy positions of authority and are speaking with those who have had past experiences with coercive authority figures. - Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. - say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” - whether we are more intent on applying the process “correctly” than on connecting with the human being in front of us. Or perhaps, even though we are using the form of NVC, our only interest is in changing the other person’s behavior. - Carl Rogers described the impact of empathy on its recipients: “When … someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! - Summary Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. Time and again, people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically. - I’m confused. I’d like to see the connection between what I said and your response, but I don’t. Would you be willing to explain how your words relate to what I said?”